Nutz Off the King's Tree

Random pics for you to copy or use for your own purpose(make it good)

Beware

Car

Children

Baby Dancing

You no longer have to stick your fingers in your ears when you don't want to listen to rock music...just

Press the Button

2006 NEW NUTZ & NUGGETS

05.09.062006

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys have been dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
6. Their favorite movie is "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN."

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

************************************************************************************************************

A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. So he telephoned the police.

Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Pastor to the Health Department. They explained, "Since there was no health threat, you'll need to call the Sanitation Department."

When the pastor called the Sanitation Department,  the Manager of the Sanitation Department said, "I can't pick up that dead mule without authorization from the mayor."

The Pastor was not at all too eager to call the mayor, who possessed a very bad temper and was always extremely unpleasant and hard to deal with, but, eventually, the Pastor called the mayor anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint the Pastor. The mayor immediately began to rant and rave. After his continued rant at the pastor, the mayor finally said, "Why did you call me any way? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"

The pastor paused for a brief prayer, and asked the Lord to direct his response. The lord led the pastor to the words he was seeking, "WELL Yes, Mayor, it IS my job to bury the dead, BUT I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

02.25.2006

Try this link for an a-MAZE-ing puzzle! http://www.winterrowd.com/maze.swf

It is not for the faint of heart...  nor for those who aren't steady of hand,

or those who tend to be nervous! ( Heh, Heh, Heh! )



Actual writings from charts in the Medical Records Dept. of a hospital:

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
5. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
6. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
7. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
8. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
9. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
10. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
11. She is numb from her toes down.
12. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
13. The skin was moist and dry.
14. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
15. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
18. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
19. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
20. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Funny Pictures



Pilots and Maintenance Guys

Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

I saved the best one for last….

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Three Engineers

Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer -- are working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The American engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out -- it's virtually impenetrable."

The American engineer says, "Fill it with water."

January 28, 2006

How Smart Is Your Right Foot???

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying it
at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot.

But you can't!!!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor
and make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with
your right hand. Your foot will change direction!!!

I told you so... And there is nothing you can do about it!

Pastor's Business Card
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard thy voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!

God is Awesome!

His Crocodile His Sleeping Cat His Love

January 10, 2006

Tattoo of the Year!

Christian One-liners

"Don't let your worries get the
best of you. Remember, Moses
started out as a basket case"

Some people are kind, polite,
and sweet-spirited - until you
try to sit in their pews.

Many folks want to serve God,
but only as advisers

It is easier to preach ten
sermons than it is to live one.

The good Lord didn't create
anything without a purpose,
but mosquitoes and
sand gnats come close.

When you get to your wit's
end, you'll find God lives there.

People are funny, they want
the front of the bus, the middle
of the road, and the back of
the church.

Opportunity may knock once,
but temptation bangs on your
front door forever.

Quit griping about your church;
if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

If the church wants a better
pastor, it only needs to pray
for the one it has.

God Himself does not propose
to judge a man until he is dead.
So why should you?

Some minds are like concrete,
thoroughly mixed up and
permanently set.

I don't know why some people
change churches; what
difference does it make which
one you stay home from?

A lot of church members
who are singing "Standing
on the Promises" are just
sitting on the premises.

We were called to be witnesses,
not lawyers or judges

Be ye fishers of men.
You catch them - He'll clean them.

Coincidence is when God
chooses to remain anonymous.

Don't put a question mark
where God put a period.

Don't wait for 6 strong men
to take you to church.

Forbidden fruits create many jams

God doesn't call the qualified,
He qualifies the called

God grades on the cross,
not the curve.

God promises a safe landing,
not a calm passage.

He who angers you, controls you!

If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!

Prayer: Don't give God
instructions -- just report for duty!

The task ahead of us is never
as great as the Power behind us.

The Will of God will never
take you to where the Grace
of God will not protect you

We don't change the message,
the message changes us.

The best mathematical
equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.

A Blonde's Year in Review:

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels......bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later that other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September - The Capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M&M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911.....there's no eleven button on the phone!!!

What a year!!

Painted Hands

Painted

11.14.05

"Pecans in the Cemetary"

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan   tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight,  and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one  boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he  passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,  "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."  He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.  "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I  heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to  walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the  cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one  for me. One for you, one for me..."  The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth.  Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they  peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.  The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the  fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the  Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."  They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.

"Mildred, the Church Gossip"

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house...walked home....and left it there all night.

Don't ya just love old George?

11.10.05

Noah’s Ark Redux

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and overpopulated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard . . but no ark.

"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!

When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience. To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're not going to destroy the world?".

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

Rich Man Poor Man

One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.

On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"

"It was great, Dad."

"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.

"Oh yeah," said the son.

"So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.

The son answered: "I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."

The boy's father was speechless. Then his son added, "Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are."

Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have.

10.25.05

Church Lesson

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter is all about.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where we have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung him on the cross and eventually he died. Then they buried him in a tomb behind a very large boulder."

"Very good!" exclaimed St. Peter.

But then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted.....

Disclaimer: St. Peter ain't in charge!

10.18.05

Stress Test

Go ahead...take the test!

The Organist

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.

The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

(09.10.05)

Hymn Sing

We are pleased to announce that we have a hymn for everyone. Our program this evening will
include:

      The Dentist's Hymn
     Crown Him with Many Crowns

      The Weatherman's Hymn
     There Shall Be Showers of Blessings

      The Contractor's Hymn
     The Church's One Foundation

      The Tailor's Hymn
     Holy, Holy, Holy

      The Golfer's Hymn
     There Is A Green Hill Far Away

      The Politician's Hymn
     Standing on the Promises

      The Optometrist's Hymn
     Open My Eyes That I Might See

      The IRA Agent's Hymn
     I Surrender All

      The Gossip's Hymn
     Pass It On

      The Electrician's Hymn
     Send The Light

      The Shopper's Hymn
     Sweet By and By

      The Realtor's Hymn
     I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop

      The Massage Therapist's Hymn
     He Touched Me

      The Doctor's Hymn
     The Great Physician

      And for you motorists

      45 mph
     God Will Take Care of You

      55 mph
     Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah

      65 mph
     Nearer My God To Thee

      75 mph
     Nearer Still Nearer

      85 mph
     This World Is Not My Home

      95 mph
     Lord, I'm Coming Home

      Over 100 mph
     Precious Memories

(09.05.05)

Meet a proud recent graduate of Berean Christian School (and Vampire Academy)

"Countess Michella Von Lonaberger"

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(08.13.05)

Look... more silly stuff below

ANOTHER BLONDE JOKE!

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself
out as a "Handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch, "he said,"How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded,"How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband,"Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied," and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus"

SOME SILLY PICTURES...







(08.11.05)

Amazing Makeovers

(07.23.05)

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER.
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

  In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEPLADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)

===================================================================

(06.28.05)

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
Are there especially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
Do you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If a blind person has a "seeing eye" dog, shouldn't a deaf person have a "hearing ear" dog?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

COUNTRY WISDOM:

Don't name a pig you plan to eat.

Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.

Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you
bounce.

Keep skunks and lawyers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.

Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.

Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.

Meanness don't happen overnight.

To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.

Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.

Teachers, Moms, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.

Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.

Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.

Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat.

Don't corner something meaner than you.

You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch
flies.

Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or
weeds.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.

You can't unsay a cruel thing.

Every path has some puddles.

Don't wrestle with pigs: You'll get all muddy and the pigs will love it.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.

The Ten Commandments display was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court
building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post Thou Shalt Not
Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery and Thou Shall Not Lie in a building full of
lawyers and Politicians without creating a hostile work environment.



                      Well, DUH!!!                               Pick your poison, but dont forget to...                            Well, you know!



                     Goes down real easy & doesn't give ya gas!                             Call Guido Sarducci @ 555-kill



Adventures in Babysitting                    Do we wait until nap time?        Sometimes ya just have to know!?



We'll just leave well enough alone on this one!         Two story Two seater?

That's All For Now!

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Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into th! e bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is neither egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
Neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't finger, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make a mends but not one amend.

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat ch! ance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
Lights are out, they are invisible.

==========================================================================

Teenotes Visitors Since February 1, 2004

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